Nothing like tackling the big subjects. I am not sure even where to start. This isn't going to be a sappy post, or at least I don't really intend it to be.I come from a background of abuse. I was physically, emotionally and mentally abused as a child. I was basically on my own from age 15 until I graduated high school at 17 when I joined the Navy. Luckily I still lived in my family home. Luckily my parents paid the electricity, they were just NEVER there, which was better than getting the shit beat out of me on a daily basis. I have two younger sisters, who were never abused by my mother. My father was my hero, until I realized that in order to avoid conflict, he'd rather ignore what was happening right under his nose.
My father is a military man, as was his father before him. My mother and father met while both of them were in the Army and stationed in Germany. My maternal grandfather was also in the military, and served in both the Korean Conflict and in Vietnam. Part of my Mother's family has a history of service back to the American Revolution. On my dad's side we are believed to have come over on the Mayflower. That's a lot of family history. Big shoes to fill. No kid can ever hope to be good enough, smart enough.. Enough at all, so I was told I was nothing. I would accomplish nothing. I would always be nothing. I was nothing more than the result of too much alcohol on a drunken night. A mistake that both of my parents chose to take responsibility for. A mistake that they continue to blame me for, and it took a very very long time to realize that I'm not a mistake. That their choices were their own and really had nothing to do with me.
My mother was a victim of abuse by an indifferent mother and a father with PTSD. My mother, despite her good intentions, didn't do better. She is clinically depressed. My sister suffers bipolar disorder. Because of where I come from, I'm terrified to spank my children. This is because I'm afraid of becoming her. I hear some of the acidic things that come out of my mouth and I fear becoming her. I hear her voice in my head constantly telling me I'm nothing. I will never be good enough and I fear becoming her. I fear that my fears will damage the good things in my life. This is a hateful vicious cycle.
I eventually was married to someone that came home from his second deployment to Iraq a different person. Gone was the fun-loving life of the party and instead was a person that suffered from TBI (traumatic brain injury) and PTSD. He didn't like the same clothes or foods, or music, or beer. He didn't like the way that I did the dishes or folded the laundry or babied our children. He was paranoid when we left the house because he was afraid something would happen to us. When I did leave the house I got constant calls and texts wanting to know when I'd be home. Eventually, I stopped leaving the house. I had very few friends, and being in a military community, I didn't bother to make new ones when old ones moved away. It was a very toxic relationship where I put up with far more than I should have for far longer than I should have. It was riddled with emotional and mental abuse. It also triggered previous issues with my own child hood abuse.
I started therapy, and I've done well to put myself back together. I try to be the kind of parent that mine were not. Sometimes, I notice that my reactions to things are more extreme then they should be. I am fearful at every turn that I will do something to cause Spicy to stop loving me, to give up on me. It's an irrational fear, but one that I occasionally have. Worse than him not loving me would be driving him away because he can't stand the turmoil of being with me and all my issues and baggage.
Because we have been having some issues lately I've really been looking for resources that will pull us together even though we are far apart. I'm sure I'll blog more about that later. If you have resources to share, please don't be shy about leaving a comment.
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